Muffins, Margaritas & Mistletoe

So. New Years Resolutions. I've never done this before, always dismissing New Years resolutions as silly and pointless, for people who aren't satisfied with life. Not this year. This year I am setting myself a few goals. And by the end of the year, when I have achieved them (and oh yes I will), we shall go out for Obama burgers and margarita's, and we're getting a taxi home.

The inspiration is the movie Julie & Julia starring Merryl Streep and Amy Adams. She sets herself a time limit of a year to make all 5 hundred and something recipes made by Julia Child. So I am giving myself a year, obviously, to achieve these few goals. And my progress shall be recorded right here, on LJ. So here goes. Wish me luck.

1) Get fit and get healthy. The fitness is necessary for my hyperlaxity and so that I don't end up in a wheelchair by the time I'm 50, as I have been warned. The get healthy is to deal with my insulin levels, which will then give me more energy. It is possibly the most cliched New Years Resolution in the history of time (ok maybe in the history of Hollywood)but please note: my resolution doesn't say LOSE WEIGHT. It says, get fit, and get healthy. I'm sick of being sore, I'm sick of being tired, and I'm sick of thinking that I can't. I've been to a dietician. She gave me the most unrealistic and rediculous diet plan ever, but I've got the general idea. I'm going back to her in January to tell her that she's a anorexic Nazi and to tell her that for me, a lifetime without ribs, coke and potatoes is a lifetime without meaning (insert hysterical sobbing here).


2) End up with 78% overall for psych. This is going to take every ounce of effort I own. But I HAVE to get into honours because my life will cease to have meaning if I do not. i can't imagine NOT being a psychologist.

3) I want to be a psych tutor. If I'm not accepted now then I will keep trying and goddammit, I will be a psych tutor. Silly thing that began in first year when the thought went "oooohh look at my shiny psych tutor, oooh look how wise they are! They must know all there is to know!" So I wanna be up there. :)


4)I want to be a better bellydancer. I used to be pretty good and I want to be there again. It's a passion of mine and it's prettyful and and. :)

5) It's cliched but I want to tell people more how much I appreciate them. It's the most important thing I can do.

And then a goal for the future, not for now, is to be more confident. To the point where, after 3 weeks of being in Joburg for the holidays, I am still the person who I was before. Because after being seperated from my people, I stop smiling, I stop talking, I stop laughing. All I do is small talk. I feel depressed. The kind where I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. It's bad. Very bad. And pathetic. I need the confidence to be myself, to not care anymore and to be my own crazy self, irrespective of the company. But I know this is going to take a while. And it's not going to happen when I'm here, in Joburg, and absolutely everyone I know is away. Only Mary and Robyn are in PTA, and that involves me borrowing my Mom's car, and then driving there, avoiding traffic (miracles) and then avoiding driving alone at night. But I will be doing this asap, for the sake of my sanity.

So that's me. Only 21 days and counting.

So. It's me. I'm back. Woohoo!
LJ was rather quiet for a while. So I'm very glad that you're all back and I can find out about all adventures. A certain spouse of mine *cough* has been awfully quiet so it's good to know she's still alive. And Synergy sounded like so much fun, really wish I could have gone!

So... news. I am very amped for the end of the week. Thursday Moose and Robz are coming this way and we're going to see New Moon. Woot! Thurs night... THE KILLERS. I am so sorry, dearest Mari and Gabi. I feel so bad going without you two losers. :( But hey... KILLERS. ZOMG. Going to the bush Friday and Saturday and then Sunday is a big (read:huge) family lunch.... And... Thomas is coming with. I am so nervous. My Dad's croatian friends are inevitably going to drink too much and then attempt to torture Thomas. And ZOMG he has long hair and a tattoo. Oh dear. I am so scared. But it has to be done eventually huh? But in other news, it appears that my Mom thinks the sun shines out of his bum. To the extent that she has bought him aftershave for Christmas! An expensive one too! Dammit. She loves him more. :(

I bought an album today with my fancy swipy Musica card that I so awesomely got for my birthday. It's called Cognition, by SA band Knave. It is sooo epic. Drool. And I'm busy downloading more Blue october to see if I should buy their new album or not. I probably will. Otherwise, I need suggestions for DVDs to buy. This is so exciting! I want classics, movies I really love. I'm thinking Rocky Horror as one of them. Hmmm.

Oh, in other news, I woke up with a giant swollen eye. Reminds me of a time last year when I woke up with a giant lip and SOMEBODY *cough* almost wet themself laughing when I opened the door.

I've been thinking a lot recently about friends. I haz my pplz in CT whom I could not love more. These few people are my lifeline and my sanity, my oxygen. I truly can't imagine ever NOT being friends with any of them. Then I have the friends who I tolerate. They're there. They talk. I make the right noises. But that's about it. I never have and never will have more than small talk with them. Maybe it's me even. Maybe I'm losing out. Then I have one very complicated "friendship" which I shall not go into more detail about.

Then- the Joburg people. I really find Ashton easy to talk to - about the trivial things. Varsity, friends, high school. That's it. And inevitably her revolting excuse of a human being (a.k.a. her boyfriend) will show up with his tiny head and giant prejudices and him and I will say hi and then he'll look at me like the most crazy, undesirable girl ever, and I'll try not to throw up at the thought of Ashton being attracted to such a complex, jealous, unattractive, STUPID LOSER. Ahem. I'm ok.
Bianca, I find her so difficult to relax and be myself around. I can;t just talk as I do with anyone else. There is just something between us that prevents this. And I always feel so boring, so clumsy around her. Sigh.
And Kyle, I really enjoy spending time with him but lately he has just become such a know it all. He is trying to prove himself, being 25 and having such a high position in his company, by being constantly rude to other people and feeling as if his way is the only way to do it. He also tells white lies a lot, silly little things. Oh well.

So basically I'm feeling a bit lost. As I always do in Joburg. I see people out of habit but I never really have "plans" with anyone, because we aren't part of each others lives anymore.

Also, my Mom is driving me a little crazy. Her behaviour has not changed towards me since I was about 13. And she doens't mean it but there are constant little insults being thrown towards me. Usually involving my weight, other popular topics include the fact that I'll never admit that I'm wrong (mostly true) or that I'm a spoilt brat. That one I take particular offense to. Ok so my Dad is in a position to provide me with everything I'll ever need. I am very fortunate. Extremely. But I'm always grateful for what I get, and I always go out of my way to say thank you for everything, and I never expect anything. But the moment an argument starts, I get labelled as a spoilt brat. Because they way she sees it, I'm wanting something, Yes, I'm wanting her to change her opinion. For example, me wanting to stay an extra week in CT. You see, instead of me just trying to help Moose to move out stuff out, I'm actually wanting to party for an exttra week on my Dad's account. Because I'm such a party animal, and I spend so much money all the time. Oh, I also have an alcohol problem. Yes, it's true.

Ok I'm over ranting and all I really want is a cup of tea. :(
Miss you bastards. Email me. Now.

So its been a while since I've posted but the truth is that nothing much is new. Work continues to pile on. This week coming up is a week like no other. 4 major essay-like assignments and 2 tests. oh dear god. I'm just going to have to work my butt off the next few days so that I don't become overwhelmed.

And then... exams.... *sob*

I think the biggest problem these last few weeks is my severe lack of energy. I was literally passing out by 8pm every night, and every day I had a headache so bad that I could barely work. This led to all my work being finished in the last minute, i.e. missing lectures. Bad idea.

But, thanks to Thomas, he pointed out that it was probably an iron deficiency. I've had one for years but my doctor refused to give me more prescription iron tablets until I had a blood test. When on earth do I have time for a blood test? Anywho, I did the supersmart thing and went to clicks and bought iron tablets and a multivitamin. I am feeling SOOO much better I can't explain.

I am still getting amazingly irritated and pissed off about driving people around. But its ok, everyone has their learners now and progress is being made. I can't figure out why this is such an issue in my life. I think its more of the assumption that its my job, and something that I have to do, and not something that I can actually choose not to do. I really like being thanked for lifts, especially when I've gone out of my way, and its not just the routine varsity and back trips. Anywho. Enough about that. :) I'm coping with it and I just need to get over myself.

That's about it. Thanks for all the hugs and tea and support everyone. I'm surviving. Only a few more weeks to go. :)

So all I can say right now is that I am bleh and meh in every way.

First of all, I'm feeling sick. Damn Thomas has given me something and so I'm feeling guf. I am killing my system with echinaforce (weird alcoholic flower extract that tastes like dead rat).

In other news, there has been more drama than usual in Valkenburg. For some reason, arranging a night out at Jamaica turned into some huge emotional issue. Anywho, we all got over it and everyone had fun.

As everyone on LJ now knows, Mareli and i had a bit of a disagreement. I could tell my side of things but I just feel that doing so would go against everything that got me irritiated in the first place, so I'd just like to point out that we have sorted things out. It was a minor issue that was actually about much more major things. But it's mostly sorted, so hey.

At the moment, I just feel like I can't do anything right. Nobody has anything nice to say to me. Almost everything I do provokes irritation in somebody, even if I frikking fall asleep during every movie I watch because i'm so exhausted. Yes, people get irritated if I fall asleep. Nice. If I drive too fast, drive too slowly, ask people for money that they've owed me for weeks, shower at the wrong moment, everything. I cannot honestly remember the last time somebody said something nice to me, besides Thomas. Even he gets a bit too much pleasure from being mean to me. Yes, it's just that playful boyfriend-girlfriend teasing but sometimes it just gets too much and all I want is a hug. I've spoken to him about it so ja, all sorted.

I have too much to deal with. I honestly honestly want to crawl into a dark hole and come out on my birthday, the day that exams end. No more work, no more early mornings... Sigh.

Anywho, I'm going to stop being emo now and start working. Sob.

So. I am overwhelmed. That is the only point of this post. I have way too much work to keep track of. Huge, huge amounts. And the worst part is that it's just going to keep escalating. The weeks before exams are HELL and oh my god, don't even get me started on my exam timetable.

And then, when exams are over, it will be time to go back to flipping Joburg for 8 weeks of hell and boredom.

So basically, it feels like there is absolutely nothing to look forward to. At all. I am getting so down, and it's going to get worse.

All I need is motivation, hugs, tea and things to look forward to, small things like parties and sushi. That is the only way I am going to survive the next 2 months without having a nervous breakdown. So, to anyone reading this: please help to motivate me, tell me I'm going to be ok when I start panicking, and take the junk food away.

Thanks guys, am going to need you all the next little while. xx

I've just noticed that pretty much every post of mine is emo and 99% involving Paul. I'm sorry!!!! Seems like I only post on LJ when I'm emo, which is usually as a result of thinking about Paul! So yes, apologies. :)

So it's really late at night and I'm really tired and sore and sick etc etc but more than the physical stuff I'm feeling right now, I am actually speechless at how very down I am at the moment. Being speechless is quite ironic considering I'm writing about it, but it's the only appropriate word I can think of right now.

I am so disappointed in so many people. People who I love, who I trust, who are MY people. I feel betrayed actually, and hurt. Unloved actually. As if all this time, I haven't been appreciated or loved at all. So the word is alone. Alone. Yup.

I think I need to go to sleep and re-evaluate the situation once I'm not so tired and/or doped on meds.

And again Cheneal has been completely useless at keeping up with things and has let another 2 months go by. maybe it's a better thing, the few people who read this don;t have to endure my rantings all so often.

I don't have much to say. I'm in America at the moment and have been for the last 3 weeks. Will be coming home on Sunday and I absolutely can't frigging wait. I've decided that I love Valkenburg and it's hangers-on waay too much for my own good. I am completely happy and content with life when I'm there so why should I ever go anywhere else? Ha! I have bought shit loads of stuff for all the people and not nearly enough for myself. Except for a garden gnome and the most beautiful purple handbag on the planet. It is my purple handbag and it is mine and I shall call it... my purple handbag??? Yes, that has a good ring to it.

Anyways i'm not in the mood to type this. Love you all so much and can;t wait for the 25th.

Yo yo yo.

I apologise, I've been saying that a lot recently (much to Thomas's annoyance) and it just felt right. :)

So, again I post something after ages of not doing so. I have been rather busy (what's new) and I'm usually on my laptop only to do work. Any free time I have is spent chatting with my housemates, drooling on my boyfriend or baking cake. Strange.

So, out of my 2 exams, I have written one and have one left. The one I wrote didn't go nearly as well as I wanted to, but that is completely my fault. The exam was last wednesday, and the sunday night before that, we had a bit of a memorial for claire. We played awesome music, and had a glass of wine. I think we were all feeling very emo because one glass of wine turned into drinking absolutely everything in the house. I think that I cried about 3 times for really stupid reasons. So of course, monday was hangover day. And my God, what a hangover. Plus my neck was causing the worst migraine I've had in a while. I spent the day feeling sorry for myself and NOT studying. That left only Tuesday to study for a giant exam. But I think that I pulled it off fairly well considering the circumstances.

I still have a week until my next exam so I'm ok. Studying has been slow so far but it shall be picking up tomorrow. Today I slept super, super late thanks to the Grey's Anatomy season finale that Mareli and I were forced to watch last night. Note: at gunpoint and everything. On that note, ZOMFG about the grey's finale! It could not have been more epic and dramatic and CRUEL! Oh well. *sob*

Otherwise, I'm happy. Very happy. I'm quite relaxed at the moment. Thomas stays over on weekends. In other words, he moved in last wednesday and moved out again this afternoon. Oopsy. I feel bad that he stays over so much, especially considering there are already so many people living here and that absolutely no studying gets done when he's here, but it is so wonderful to have him here. I have been abusing him so so much recently, leaning on him way more than I should. The last month has been one of the worst months I have ever had to deal with, and so he ended up dealing with a lot more emo crap than any self-respecting man should have to. Every single morning he brings me coffee and breakfast in bed, he washes my dishes before I've got a chance to even put them down... The other day I declared "make me chocolate cake man slave!" as a joke and would you believe it... an hour later there was a chocolate cake. He is absolutely amazingly wonderful and I am so so lucky to have him. Ladies, I apologise sincerly, but I have claimed the last decent one out there and he's mine and he shall be my squishy and I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine. :)

And then... I shall be back in Joburg in 2 weeks time. I am DREADING it. I flipping HATE johannesburg. I am more than happy to go there, spend a few days with my parents, see Kyle, go to the Bush for a weekend to see my warthogs and then come back again. Over there I am lonely and miserable and bored. I miss my parents while I'm here but that's about it. The nice thing is that we're going to America for 4 weeks in the middle of the holiday, forcing me to spend only 2 weeks in JHB, thank GOD. 2 weeks is enough to see the Joburg people. :) Another important thing that shall be happening this holiday... meet the parents. I'm shit scared. I'll be meeting Thom's moms and his dad and his brother. He'll be meeting my parents... Sigh. I'm scared. Even though I probably have nothing to worry about. :)

Anyways I'm going to stop ranting now, find some chocolate and finish watching Brothers and Sisters. Again, I love you all very much. And if you're reading this, you're invited to Thom's Bday on the 11th June. Dress is very formal and it's a bring and braai, here at Valkenburg. Time to show him how much he means to me. :)

Look! It's me. I'm posting something. Dude! Hasn't happened in a while. Been very very VERY busy, to the point where stupid details like what day of the week it was left me completely.
Right. I feel like I have PTSD. This last week has been like an express train that hit me at full blast. I am still spinning. And now trying to think about the week ahead. Wow.

So. The accident. I can't stop thinking about it. I can;t believe that beautiful gentle Claire was killed. Although I didn't know her that well, I just can't absorb what happened. And our poor, poor Alex. I don't know how she is still standing after all she has been through. I am just so relieved that she is ok. Her and i have not been getting along at all, and i kept meaning to sit her down and talk to her about things but then I was just "too busy." I can't imagine how I would have felt if she wasn't as lucky as she was. But it's over. We're all moving on and we just have to be there for Al. And I am also beyond beyond relieved about the evidence that has come out about the accident. Notice: if your name is Kirsty and you felt the need to send me that disgusting message that you did, I am waiting for an apology. And I will get my apology.

Anyways... I'm ok. We're all ok. 3 more days of varsity and it's study break. I can't wait.

In other news, I heard some news about my ex through the grapevine. Turns out that hearing about Thomas was quite an event for him. "Cheneal has a new boyfriend and he's really great." Shock horror. Cheneal moved on. Well, pretended to at least. That isn't going too well but that's another story for another day.

I just wanted to let you all know how much I love you all and how lucky I am to have met all of you. You guys are my family, and I have never felt so loved and supported in all my life. I am truly blessed to have met all of you. And most of all, I am here for absolutely anyone, no matter what the time. Really, you can always count on me. Love you all.